Xysters are tools for scraping bones, in the words of Webster’s Unabridged. Bone scraping promises to be the next ‘hot’ occupation, as suggested by the recently syndicated mini crime-drama “Xyster-Files”, introduction of a bone scraping merit badge by the Coed Scouts of the USA, and the mad popularity of a Bone Scratcher action figure, last Christmas’s “gotta have it” toy (targeted for 8 and 10 years olds; those in between are mostly interested in yo-yos).

The pandemonium behind xysters appears to stem from the pandemonium ahead of xysters. (I keep seeing “oysters” in every re-reading of this piece in progress; no, DCO—I tell myself—stick to xysters; the “O” entry is over a week away.) To wit, the swelling interest in bone-scraping by today’s youth is causing a scramble by institutions of higher learning to devise degree programs in Xystering, as this field of study promises to overtake all others by 2020.  Such a shake up can really result in only thing: piles and even bigger piles of etched bones.